Dreading tomorrow

I want to start this post off by saying how thankful I am for having such an amazing-loving-supporting-understanding husband. The pregnancy has been very emotional for me for many of reasons and he really has been my rock. I also have became a lot closer to God, especially in prayer. 

These are just a few of the verses that have helped me with this journey.

At my last ultra sound, on June 14th we were told that our baby was weighing 9lbs 12oz. When they called on Monday, the 17th, the nurse stated that they didn't know if I was going to birth him vaginally but we would talk about it more at my appointment on Thursday, the 20th. At this point I thought I had it in my head that I was okay with having a c-section if it came down to in, but I still wanted to try a vaginal birth and then c-section. We went into our appointment letting our doctor know that is what we wanted to do. 

We were very strong and bold about it. And then we let her explain their reasoning for having me have a c-section. The baby is weighing 4,400 grams as of June 14th, if the baby gets to 5,000 grams our doctor will not deliver him due to the chance of shoulder dysplasia or the baby dying being so big. She also stated that I would be having another ultra sound on Tuesday, tomorrow. At this time I felt that I would hopefully be having the baby over the weekend so I wasn't to concerned. Also, I thought well I should still be able to try but our baby has two parents, and we need to make a joint decision. Matt is very concerned about the chance of the baby dying so we have agreed if he is over 5,000 grams we will go on with the plan of a c-section. 

But now........it's the day before my ultra sound to see how big he is and to determine weather or not I will have a c-section or vaginal birth. Let's just say today has been very emotional for me. For reasons I'm not quite sure of. I think a big part of it is, almost everyone I have talked to about having a c-section, have told me that I really shouldn't do it and need to really push for a vaginal birth, so I feel like we are lacking support, even more then we were before. Also I think it makes me feel like a failure if I have a c-section, I'm not sure why, from everyone I have talked to recovery is a lot harder having a c-section. I am also having a hard time not knowing when I am going to have this *stubborn*(with a smile) "little" baby, so maybe by having a c-section and a planned date is a way of God telling me that is an answer to one question. 

Steps from here: praying, We are praying that 1. I either go into labor tonight(although I haven't had any signs), 2. God somehow shows me reasoning behind things, if I do have to have a c-section, 3. God shows/tells me I am a going to be a good mother and to not be scared.

Well this blog post has now taken me almost 2 hours and if it was a paper, it would be drenching wet from tears from emotions.